Riot and Frolic

How to Raise Children

Since I've been told my children are ABSOLUTE ANGELS, here's how to make your children awesome like mine:

1. Have no idea what you're doing.  It's reeeeeally helpful if you didn't spend any time around children smaller than yourself growing up; hopefully you didn't have any babysitting experience, younger siblings, or neighborhood kids hanging around you giving you expectations for how young humans behave.
2. Once your young offspring is living in your home and you are decidedly the caregiver, pretend you know EXACTLY what you're doing.  (Examples: Of course the diapers need to stacked with the folds facing southwest, otherwise the baby gets diaper rash.  NO, you may not put mustard on that plate.)  Feel free to change your VERY STRONG OPINIONS as often as you want to find out what really works.  
3. Treat physical milestones as milestones in HELPFULNESS.  Your kid can walk?  Awesome, then you don't have to carry them and the groceries.  Your kid can open the fridge?  OMG, the possibilities are endless.  Your kid can talk?  ORDER ME A PIZZA.
4. Don't have a whole lot of patience.  Expect that your precious bundle of joy will do something the first time you tell them, figure if they did a task once they can do it again, etc.
5. Don't have a timeline.  While you are not patient, you are not on schedule.  Everything will take TEN TIMES LONGER than you think it should: short legs and lack of hand-eye coordination and whatnot of your tagalongs.  If you need to get somewhere tomorrow by noon, start now.
6. Tell your tiny entourage what is going to happen and then make it happen.  Example: We are going to store to get flour, sugar, milk, and butter.  You are going to sit in the cart and smile.  I will pay for the flour, sugar, milk, and butter and we will leave the store.  The end.  
7. Have quiet time.  Sit amidst the chaos of your living room and read a book with your feet up while drinking coffee and don't talk to them for 15+ minutes.  
8. Toys are over-rated.  Cardboard boxes, wood blocks, cardboard rolls from paper towel, crayons and paper, ridiculous clothes from thrift shops, and the occasional stuffed animal/doll rate SO MUCH HIGHER than ALMOST ALL THE FANCY THINGS. 
9. Don't like washing dishes?  Teach the children.  Don't like cleaning the bathroom?  Get some non-toxic cleaning solution and teach the children. Need to wash the windows?  Teach the children. 
10. No one knows what they're doing as an adult (especially as a parent) and unless you're you, nothing is going to be done perfectly (AKA, the way you like it).  Chill out and laugh at yourself and your children.  Because you both deserve it.  We're all ridiculous.
    

 

Goofy Stuff from the Internet and Beyond

This is my most important post EVER.

Why is Harry Connick Jr. building planter boxes for familyhandyman.com?  Not that I doubt his skills, it just seems like an odd side project.

Chemex or French press?  This will be a life altering choice.  I can feel it.  

[Bodum claims this is an 8 cup press.  IT'S A LIE.]

I don't know who Nicole Gibbons is, but I like her style.  Mostly, her title.  Along with my 3.5 million dollar worth, I'm going to put "Lifestyle Guru" on my resume.  

While I agree with the tag line, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

I've kept this ad for almost 2 years.  It's similar to the LG ad that I found a misspelling in.  It baffles me and makes me want to never buy from these confusing companies.  

I was looking for an app to write posts on my iPhone (so I could blog while I'm on the train, or driving, or whatever) and my short search parameters brought this up. 

The whole title, to be fair, was "how to write blog posts that suck people in", but maybe the developer should have thought that title out a little further.  

Happy Hump Day!

I love you, man

Ghost Week in Review

Monday

Books for the week: hey, big surprise - a lot of parents plan ahead and like, check out holiday themed books before the actual holiday.  

Therefore, those of us who are just getting the hang of this planning-ahead-and-taking-care-of-our-children thing and are looking for ghost books the week of Halloween are screwed.  

Or have to be creative.  

Whatevs.

The adorable There's No Such Things as Ghosts by Emmanuelle Eekhout and the classic What Was I Scared Of? by Dr. Seuss suited us.

We had some cute wall and window decals, so two books and pasting things on the wall?  DONE.

 

I'm not going to say anything about this skeleton except that maybe the girls don't have a great grasp of anatomy yet. 

Tuesday

For my own benefit (not the benefit of my young, impressionable children), I kept this week real cute and NOT SCARY. 

I'm not sure why I even picked ghosts as a theme... because I'm scared of ghosts.  

Every time.

Except for our activity for today, which scared the crap out of 50% of the participants.

Balloon ghosts: a cute science experiment GONE WRONG.

 

Baking soda, vinegar, a plastic bottle, and a balloon.  It all started out so innocently... but there was a tiny hole in Mae Cake's balloon.  

[Is it terrible that I was laughing this whole time, and still do when I look at these pictures?]

AS LONG AS THERE'S NO HOLES IN YOUR BALLOONS, this is a really cool experiment/activity.  We might have done it twice this week.  The balloons stay inflated for a day or two and the liquid in the bottle fizzes for an unexpected amount of time.  It's neato.

Time at the table: 2 minutes.  Effects (both traumatic and fun): two days.

Wednesday

Mini ghost cards: from the amazing Craft a Day, the girls each made a card for one of their sisters.  

just go buy this, okay?

It gave us a reason to use my swanky white gel pens.  While V was more than happy to give Zoo a card, I think she might have been a little off center of "nice" and I quote:

Zoo, You are crazy sometimes.  I think you are crazy and crabby.  Love, V

Mae Cake drew happy ghosts and a picture of V that looks an AWFUL LOT like Hyperbole and Half's alter ego.  She won.

 

Time at the table: 10 minutes.

Thursday

Ghost "cake": this might be considered a Pinterest fail, if I cared or it wasn't food.  I found this totally cute and simple-looking pull-apart cake (a bunch of cupcakes placed really close together to look like a legit shaped cake) on Dollhouse Bake Shoppe.

the inspiration

the result

Come on, they're almost exactly the same.
 

Friday

Ghost decorations: repurposing the cupcake liner separators (it's totally a thing) from yesterday's project, we made these CRAZY EASY ghost decorations.  

Bonus points: we talked about fractions because FOLDING and used some wicked hand-eye coordination with the folding and the hole punching and the stringing.  

Note: we still don't have them hanging off anything BECAUSE THAT'S HOW OUR WEEKEND GOES. 

 

How was your week?  GHOSTLY?  More importantly, do you believe in ghosts (either actively or in denial, like I do)?  Do you run up the stairs every time?  

It's Basically Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  The day after that is Christmas.  The next day is 2015.  

I'M NOT FREAKING OUT.

But I am planning ahead.  

I get to host Thanksgiving this year which fulfills a small part of my FEED ALL THE PEOPLE quota, because let's face it, my extended family isn't that big.  

In other words, there will be a party soon.  And you're all invited. And there will be food.  Lots of it.

Anyways, I got my Schwan's delivery yesterday and with it was the holiday catalog.  While I hate the fact that Target has Christmas stuff out, I LOVE FOOD and LOOKING AT FOOD, so all is forgiven, Schwan's.

Since I already ordered my BAD ASS turkey from Bar 5 at the St. Paul Farmers' Market, I'm thinking SIDES.  DESSERTS.  MORE SIDES.  

MORE DESSERTS!

Obviously, all the Brussel sprouts recipes, and this corny bacony thing, and these maple sweet potato cups with a merengue topping (hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I mean, "meringue") that are clearly not dessert because they involve a vegetable, and potatoes, and cranberry in at least two forms, and PIES which I will buy instead of make myself since I have an irrational fear of making pie crust.

But then there's CHRISTMAS and I'm already collecting ADVENTures.   

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  

Puns.

Last year, we neglected making cookies of all things, so IT. IS. ON.  Am I buying the sugar cookies?  Yes, because the holidays are hectic and while I adore baking, I'm also trying to MAKE THINGS EASIER.  

Along that lines, it is also the most relieving thing to realize there is dinner in the freezer when time is sparse.  I'm demanding a chest freezer for my birthday this year (since I seem to get kitchen appliances - huzzah!) and I'm going to store the makings for this awesome soup in it.

Remember how 2015 is in three days?  Well, that means the first birthday of this crazy place called Mill City Ballroom and that means PARTY.  Besides lining up an AWESOME band, there are superfluous appetizers to make and I WANT THESE.  And probably these meatballs.  And a bunch of treats on sticks or in cups so NO ONE MESSES UP THE FLOOR.

Are you planning ahead? Try out Schwan's and use these swanky, money-saving coupon codes from my dude Jason.

 

Happy eating!

DIY Dancing

Fake nails = $60

Tanning = $70

Makeup application = $70

Hair updo = $80

Feeling like a million bucks? = could be cheaper

While it's AWESOME to use the talented vendors available at competitions, sometimes time and money can keep you from using their services.  Instead of walking on the floor looking unprepared, learn how to do simple versions of the ballroom looks.

RULES

1. Simple is ALWAYS a good idea.  
   
2. 10 foot rule - It doesn't have to look perfect to you, while you're leaning over your sink and 4 inches away from your mirror.  It has to look good from 10 feet away. AKA?  Don't sweat the small stuff (your slightly crooked eyelash, that one lick of hair that mysteriously resists hairspray, THAT SPOT ON YOUR FACE THAT WON'T TAKE MAKEUP [breathe breathe, breathe], etc.)
3. Practice your hair/makeup/costume routine AT LEAST ONCE - It's reeeeeally helpful to A) know how long it takes to complete B) know what you're doing C) know that you won't fall out of/rip/be uncomfortable in your look.

COSTUMES

If you are a lady, read this: 

If you are a man, read this:

NAILS

Go get some press on nails and be done with it.  Sooooo easy.  Sooooo cheap.

There's tons of brands to choose from with different options ranging from super long to super short, having the glue already on, and crazy colors.  Most of the brands will last at least a weekend and look just as good as the "real" fake nails.

TANNING

I'm going to say something crazy:

You don't have to tan.

If it's your first time hitting the floor, you're dancing in something like Beginning Bronze or Newcomer, and you are feeling the pressure up to here, don't worry about it.

That being said, tanning makes you look 10% more awesome on the dance floor. And that's science.  

The easiest option is to pick up some of that tanning stuff at the store (L'oreal, Neutrogena, Banana Boat, etc.) and slather it on.  The goal for most Causasian people is to get out the pink undertones (which tend to make you look ghostly under bright lights).  If you have a darker complexion, you're probably good to go au naturel.

If you'd like to up your game, but still want a temporary fix, try Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs.  It's basically body makeup: lasts through a light sweat, doesn't rub off too easily, yet comes off in the shower with some vigorous scrubbing.

Ready for the next option?  You can buy a bottle of Dancesport self tanner, find a GOOD friend, and go to town painting this stuff on yourself.  A bottle lasts for three or four competitions.  (You can also check out the other tanning options on Danceshopper.com, a favorite online store.)

MAKEUP

Makeup application, including eyelash application, is not hard.  Do the basic stuff in colors that you like AND LOOK GOOD IN, make sure you have done your eyebrows, put on a bright lipstick, glue on your eyelashes, and WALK OUT THE DOOR.

Once you have mastered the basics, you can try some trickier techniques, but remember that simple is always a good choice.  (Here's some more great tutorials for basic makeup, and you can check out some fancier looks on my Dancetastic Pinterest page.)

Eyelashes freaking you out?  

• Start small.  Cut a full length piece into quarters.  Even now, I have to cut off a centimeter or so of my sets or the ends stick me in the eye.  OUCH.
• Put on your glue (I love DUO in clear; I feel the black in not forgiving in mistakes) in a thin line and wait 10 - 20 seconds.  If your glue isn't sticky, you are in for a world of pain.
• Keep your eyes open and stick it close-ish to the outer edge of your eye.  
• PRACTICE.  

HAIR

Let's not get crazy.  

Let's do something that you can PRACTICE ahead of time and uses easily accessible supplies and looks good.  Let's do something that won't move, won't get in the way, and won't stick to your face. Let's do something that takes less than an hour and leaves the feeling in your arms since you'll need those for dancing.  

Ladies' Long Hair

SOCK BUN : if your hair is long enough for a ponytail, get thee a sock bun.  Wear it low right by the  nape of your neck, or high up on your head.  Wearing your bun right in the back of your head is too ballerina, not enough bad ass.  

Once your bun is in order, hairspray the bejeezus out of it.  Let it dry... then do it again.  And there's no such thing as too many bobby pins.  AND it's commonly known that your hair isn't done until you have a bobby pin in your brain (or at least one that feels like it is).  

Are you done yet?  NO!  Put a hair net over that bunny beauty.  Yes, a hair net.   And secure it with MORE BOBBY PINS.

I'm a big fan of Jac-o-net, with their nearly invisible and slightly creepy "like human hair!", which are sold at Sally's Beauty Supply.  Conair also makes decent hair nets and you can find them at Walgreens.

I also like got2be glued hairspray, which has great hold and a great price and you can find it at most drugstores.

So, bun form (-$5, or you can literally use a sock for FREE), hairnet (-$3), bobby pins ($3), and some hairspray ($6) = less than $17

Ladies' Medium Length Hair

If you can get your hair in a teeny tiny ponytail, do that.  Then get a hair piece that matches your hair (find them at Walgreens or the like) and proceed as above with the sock bun.  Also, see "Other Stuff" below.

Ladies' Short Hair

It is okay to leave it loose, but bring a blowdryer.  It is NOT okay to have sweaty hair sticking to your face.  Plus, it's annoying.  If you're feeling the least bit sweaty between dances, find an outlet, plug in your blowdryer and do a mini-blowout.  If you need to bring your curling iron, then go ahead.  The time you saved in "not doing your hair" is time you'll have to spend doing your hair at some point.

Otherwise, try slicking it down.

Other Stuff

You may wear your hair half-up, but you still have to DO it.  Flat iron or curl the loose hair and still smooth down your half-ponytail with half a can of hairspray.  

 

Basically, ask yourself, "What would J-Lo do?" 

[DANCE PUN!]

Dudes

Put something in your hair.  No, not something sparkly.  Get some gel, pomade, or hairspray.  And probably a haircut.  Do something like this (I love Egor... and his website) or just make sure you look nice.  Like you're going to a wedding.  Your boss's wedding.

Most importantly, remember dancing is fun, looking nice is fun, and you're fun.

QUESTIONS

What else do you need to know?  I'll direct you to sources as much as possible!