As I'm huddled under three blankies, covered in princess accessories (I might have a crown on), trying to fend off some mild food poisoning, I thought I'd remind, or warn, you about the joys of my not-so-new job.
- You will never EVER get a good night's sleep again. Those babies come out kicking and screaming, and continue their reign on your sleep until you die. Not only do infants have the gall to wake up in the middle of night, but once they sleep for eight hours in a row, they still rule the night by making you have the most horrific nightmares about them. I have never had such terrible nightmares until I had children (captured by terrorists, drive-by shootings, and drowning at sea just to name a few unconscious adventures). Then they grow up and they're not in your house and you worry still and don't sleep then either (I hear).
- The first few times those little babes sleep for more than three hours, you will check on them to make sure they're alive, yet thinking they're dead.
- You will get peed, pooped, and thrown up on. Meh. Shit happens?
- You will never get a day off. Sick? They still want to play, and eat, and... stuff. On vacation without them? Those little rascals will put their adorable voodoo hex on you, so you miss them the whole time. The hex will leave 60% of the time for having fun and 40% for lamenting the fact that they're not with you.
- You will know a new level of guilt. Being Catholic, I have at least a Master's degree in that crap, but having kids will put you in PhD territory in no time. "Am I doing this right?" "Am I scarring them for life?" The answers are probably "no" and "yes", but that's what parents have wondered for generations and the human race continues.
- Spontaneity will die. As much as want to come over and have affogato with cool adults, it's 3pm and it's naptime and I have to cook dinner and O. M. G.
- You will horrified by how you behave. Since kids tend to do everything you do, some day (or every single day) you'll hear your 3 year old use the snottiest tone to her sister and realize where she heard it. Ew. Self-reflection.
- Your most used phrases: Eat over the table; Stop it; Don't bite your sister; Because I said so.
- You will hide in your bathroom. From your own children. It's cool; everyone does.
- You will have a freakish amount of practical strength. I'm not talking about lifting cars off trapped toddlers, I'm talking about holding a 20 pound baby for an hour and not having your arm hurt the next day.
Yeah yeah, "best job in the world", blah blah blah. Right, right.
Love you, ladies!
