I recently took a trip to the hospital and they sent me home with ANOTHER tiny human.
It's like they think I'm qualified to handle them.
How dare they.
But, in trying to stick to a point, there's several things I've noticed the last couple weeks that seems new EVERY TIME:
- Newborns are tiny. I have another, toddler-sized, 18 months old "baby" that I thought was rather light and pocket-sized UNTIL NOW. He is a giant. The really new baby is A FEATHER. I pick up the new peanut in her carseat and nearly knock myself over because I expect it to have about 40 pounds of child in it.
- Baby poops are insane. I literally laughed the first time I changed her dooky diaper. It's like disgusting peanut butter and it's everywhere and there's SO MUCH OF IT. Again, since the next oldest kid is nearly potty-trained, I'm used to the regular...business. But this infant nonsense is NONSENSE. Like, it makes NO SENSE. [Sorry if I ruined peanut butter for you.]
- Infants are funny-looking. Babies get a lot of press for being oooooohsocute and look at their widdle button noses and toeses and stuff. But have you really looked at one? Newborns are bizarre-looking. I mean, they've been wet for nine months. And often, they get squished out a tiny tunnel to enter the world. It's not a good look. My fresh ones usually need a couple weeks to fill out, get unsquished and look halfway decent.
- Their cries are feeble. My family is...not quiet. It seems we all have a very large lung capacity and no ability to control the volume of our voices. And apparently that's a nurtured trait, for better or for worse. The young Padawan has not learned the ways of the Force.
- They recognize the loud ass voices they've heard for nine months. Those crazy sisters came to the hospital to meet the newest addition and #5 immediately was craning around to spot the now-unmuffled chatter of The Others. And hearing The G come home after work?
- Spit-up is body temperature. In other words, you will often not realize you're covered in it until you hear A) a splat on the floor B) stand up and relinquish the baby to someone/thing and find your shirt/pants/scarf/arm is covered in it. Good times!
- Holding the precious new bundle will give you tennis elbow. Since I like her and she seems relatively light, I hold her a lot. But then an hour into a wedding, I feel my elbow lock up and have to switch arms and stretch out. Yeah, that's right. New babies require calisthenics and yoga.
I know you're dying to see pictures of our new offspring, but see #3 and wait a couple weeks.