There are certain milestones that one expects to experience. You know, those experiences that make writing books, making movies, and maintaining a blog relatively easy.
There are two of these experiences that I have been asked a lot about lately: marriage and childbirth. There are many insights, revelations, and memories I have about these two milestones, but one big thing really sticks out about each.
Besides not being able to say the institution's name without reciting this whole scene in my head, there was one thing that REALLY shocked me about being married, after the whole song and dance of ceremony, reception, honeymoon.
I live with my husband.
No, no, I mean, he lives in my house.
And he doesn't leave.
If we get in a fight and I go for a walk to cool off, I come home later
AND HE'S STILL THERE.
I'm not sure why this living arrangement didn't dawn on me with the whole "until death do you part" thing, but going from putting my recycling bin in whatever disorder I wanted to having someone else leave dirty dishes in the sink (WHY IN THE SINK?! WHY NOT ON THE COUNTER WITH ALL THE OTHER DIRTY DISHES?!) was SHOCKING.
Blah blah blah contractions blah blah blah labor blah blah blah pushing blah blah blah ow, whatever. They give you a kid, and the fact that they expect you to take it home and keep it alive is pretty shocking, but there is something else.
You still look quite pregnant.
"Things" are not quite back to where they belong... Things like organs. Organs are all stretched out, along with the muscles and ligaments and tendons that were surrounding them. Your midsection is now weird. I mean, it's been weird for 9 months, but now it's weird and not holding anything.
And those late night snacks and constant carb cravings? They didn't just fall off your arms and ass when the baby "popped out".
And those medical people tell you about it, in a roundabout way. "Bring a going-home outfit that was comfortable when you were about 5 months pregnant" or the like will be on prenatal brochures of all kinds. Maybe I just focused on "comfortable", because I looked okay at 5 months pregnant, so whatevs. Skinny jeans! Screw you maternity clothes!
You experience it.
And it is shocking.
Good times. What shocks you?